And I just say, ‘Huh, probably a fan’s left it there. We’ll need to get it checked out before I can bring it in.’ Like I have teams of security on hand to taste my food or something.

Anyway, he seems happy enough, and off he trots, and when the car’s gone I go to fetch the Jack Daniel’s, take a seat in the sofa opposite the body and have a drink. The next thing, the cleaner’s coming in. I never got the chance to try out his TV.

I think you know the rest

I think so, yes. Thank you.

Which pretty much concludes our business, doesn’t it?

It does, I suppose. Just one thing, Chris. What you’ve told me, about Brian Forsyth.

Which goes no further.

No, absolutely not. But… are you telling me you didn’t actually kill Felix? That you’re in here for something you didn’t do?

The gun went off, is what I’m saying. Any one of us could have pulled the trigger - Felix might have even done it himself. I just want someone to know that I’m not a killer. I never wanted to kill anyone. It’s just that when someone died, I saw a way out, and all told, it’s turned out for the best. Out there I was Chris, in here I’m Felix. Do you see?

I see, yes. And one last thing. Why choose me?

Because I can trust you, and as my biographer you should know the whole story, even if you can’t use it all. That way you’ll get closer to the truth about me. You know something? Not many people get the chance to read about themselves, in interviews and books. The old Christ would never have done. So I just want this book to be as good as possible. After all, there’ll be another celebrity killer along in a minute, stealing all my limelight. It’s a cut-throat business. I’ve got to make the most of it while I can.

Ah, look, Jack wants his picture. Are you OK to stick around for the photo-shoot?